That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
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