I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
