he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
