Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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