I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
