Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
