Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
