looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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