I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
