she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
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