Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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