non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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