Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
