is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
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