good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
