I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
