He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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