Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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