I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
