I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
