Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Come see our sink grown plant.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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