Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Randomize
