And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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