I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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