I accidentally had phone sex last night
from now on my penis is your penis
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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