My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
