i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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