Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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