I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
