Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
