just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
