Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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