WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
