I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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