dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
