I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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