meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
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Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
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Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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