I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
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