I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I'm passing your future prison.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Randomize
