we're chasing vodka with high fives
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
