Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
