I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
