things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
