I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
