If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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