Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
