I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
She's just so happy...and so naked.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
