So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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