I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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