That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
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I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
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My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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