SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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