i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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