I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Randomize
