She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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