I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
