Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
