I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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